Day 97

I had the opportunity to right a wrong the next day when I ran into K again in the hallway. This time she was walking with another person and she didn’t even look up to see me standing there. I could have gotten away with not talking to her again, but after a quick internal debate with myself, I knew I needed to say hello. I called her name and was seriously expecting to see judgment in her eyes when she looked up. I sound so stupid to myself now. Because I received quite the opposite reception.  Her face lit up and she seemed genuinely pleased to see me. I could have stayed and talked to her forever. She has always seemed, to me, pretty and warm from afar, but she is even prettier and warmer close up. My worries and feelings of inadequacy were instantly soothed by her friendly chatter. I seriously underestimated K.  I realized the judgment I was so scared to see in her eyes was really coming from within. K not only accepted me as someone who belonged in those Liberty hallways, she was thrilled to see me there. She provided me with a sense of confidence I could not, for some reason, find in myself. I will forever be grateful that I found the courage to simply say hello to her, because I gained a sense of camaraderie and belonging during that brief conversation. 

Later that evening I went for a run. I was thinking about my conversation with K, about how beautiful Liberty campus is, and how thankful I feel to have found this place. Here I am, running and pouring sweat, thinking about my struggles to feel adequate and good. I was talking to God in my head, saying over and over “Thank you for leading me here. I am so happy to be in this place” and suddenly, in my own head, in a very soft voice, I heard “Keri, I am happy you are here.”

And I stopped running.

I started crying.

Because it had not hit me until that very moment that not only was I pleased with where I was in life, but God is pleased with me. I am making him happy. He is happy to have me. He is not asking me to make up for past mistakes. I do not have a penance to pay. He knows my heart. He knows I am where I am supposed to be. And he is happy.

This was such a revelation to me. I don’t need to stay up at night counting my regrets and crying over mistakes. I do not need to carry them around. I have asked for forgiveness. It has been granted. And just like K, God smiles so warmly at me and says “I am happy you are here.”