Day 95

Soooo- today was Apology Day. I had practiced what I wanted to say and promised myself I would walk straight into class, pull aside my classmate, and say these simple words “I just want to apologize for my insensitive comment yesterday. I am so sorry I upset you.” And that was it- I wouldn’t explain myself and I would keep it short & sweet. And even if my tears started up, I would look her in the eye and say what I needed to say.

I was nervous.

But guess what!?! I did it! I walked right over to her desk and said exactly what I had practiced. My eyes filled up with tears and I my voice was shaking, but I did it.

 And all she said was “That’s okay” and walked away.

I was hoping for more of a reaction, but I had done what I needed to do. I felt better. And all my tears stayed in my eyes during the whole ordeal!! I’ve stayed quiet in class and I haven’t made any friends, which makes for a lonely week. But it also means I have the opportunity to learn something about myself:

I am the girl who lays all her cards on the table. I can’t keep a secret. I talk too much and I like to be the center of attention. I make jokes and say what is on my mind and feel a strong need to make everyone like me. A week of solitude has helped me realize I do not need to be this person all the time.

It is okay to be quiet.

It is okay to let others have the stage.

It is okay for someone to not like me.

It is okay.

Day 94- tables are turned!

Well things are about to get interesting, y’all! You’ll NEVER believe what happened to me today…I made someone CRY!!! It was awful and embarrassing and I felt about two inches tall.

But let me start from the beginning:

I am on campus at Liberty for one week to finish my LAST class in grad school. I was feeling chipper and excited in class Monday morning and I was, of course, participating in class discussion. I won’t get into the specifics because it would take forever to explain, but I shared an experience I had during my student teaching about a student who, I felt, seemed to take advantage of his circumstances and I described it as “working the system.” And that’s when it happened…a classmate raised her hand and, with tears streaming down her face, told the class about a horrible car accident she was in in high school. This accident left her with a serious brain injury that required her to receive special education for her remaining years in high school and then she said these exact words “so before you assume a student is ‘working the system’ you should be more sensitive to that student’s experiences and needs.”

It was MOR.TI.FY.ING!!!! I wanted to run out of the classroom. I could just feel the accusations in the air. I didn’t listen to a single thing the professor said for the next hour as I practiced an apology in my head, or worked myself up into quite a defensive state, or stared longingly at the clock. I was pretty much hating myself all day.

After class I dumped my stuff and immediately went for a run around campus where I continued to think about how to handle this situation…I wanted to defend myself and explain to this person, to the entire class in fact, that I wasn’t an insensitive person and I would never assume something about my students and I AM A NICE PERSON DARN IT!!!! I wanted to drive home and spend the night with the one person who knows my heart inside and out and make him make me feel better. But finally, after a lot of thought, I realized that all I needed to do was apologize to my classmate. I didn’t need to defend myself, because no matter what I MEANT to say, my words had hurt someone. It was my words that dredged up a lot of pain for someone else, and no matter my true intentions; I owed that person an apology.

In some ways this realization made me feel better because I knew that I could make this right. But in other ways it made me feel awful because I had to accept responsibility for hurting someone’s feelings. So I got back to my room, had a good cry over the entire situation, and practiced my apology for the next day.

Apology Update to follow!

Days 92 & 93

Josh and I got all sorts of things done on Saturday. We had much to do because I leave to go out of town on Monday and when I return on Friday, Josh will have already left for D.C. for the U.S. Open. When he returns from D.C. I leave for a 10 day trip to Philly and when I get home from Philly we move to Georgia the very next day.

So- we had lots on our To-Do-List. We got it all done, came home and took late naps. We ate leftovers for dinner and watched True Grit. I loved the movie & I loved our last, quiet Saturday together at our first home as a married couple. I was content and cozy on the couch when all the sudden it hit me- that word again- LAST. It’s following me, y’all. Following me into tomorrow, when Josh & I will go to Staunton and spend the afternoon with my parents…for the LAST time before we move. The idea of not being able to hop in the car and spend the day in Staunton with my mom & dad was so depressing.  Almost crushing. I’ve been trying to be optimistic around my mom because I know she is sad to see us go, but I knew I wouldn’t be up for it tomorrow. And I was right. I tried to get all my tears out Saturday night, but they showed up again on Sunday. I’m crying right now just writing about it. Yes, I will see them again before I move. But Josh won’t be there. And yes, I will see them many, many, many times while I am living in Atlanta, but it won’t be the same. And there is nothing anyone can do about it…so I’m just gonna cry.  

Day 91

So life is getting pretty busy folks!! It has also seemed to insert a very ugly word into my vocabulary recently- LAST. With little time left in Charlottesville I’ve been faced with many of my ‘lasts’ as a C-ville resident. Today was my last Fridays After Five with Josh & friends. He was super tired from the concert on Thursday and kept telling me he wouldn’t be out long, but somewhere along the way he changed his tune because suddenly he was buying everyone shots and we found ourselves rapping in the cab on the way home at 2 in the mornin’. So my last Friday went out with a bang! I loved every minute of it.

Leading up to our night on the town was a little less fun and fancy free. I felt rushed and flustered as I got ready to go out and I couldn’t get that word out of my head- last, last, last. I was thinking it, but I couldn’t quite get my head around it. I just didn’t feel like myself. Wanna know what cured me? A few tears. I shed them in the bathroom while I was getting ready when I suddenly looked at myself in the mirror and said “I live in Atlanta.” I was just trying out the words and they sounded as wrong as I felt, so I cried. For just a minute. Then I put on my makeup and a smile and rocked my last Friday After Five.

Day 90

Is there anything better than going to a really good concert? Yes- it’s going to a really good concert with a really good friend you’ve had for 20 years. And what’s better than that? Going to a really good concert with a really good friend AND his perfect girlfriend. Last night Josh & I went to the Ryan Bingham concert with my friend Matt Wade and his g.f. Kelly- who is pretty and fun and easy going and wonderful. Listening to live music always puts me in a good mood, but nothing is better than looking to your left and seeing someone you’ve known all your life in a HAPPY place. Wade was rocking out and dancing with Kelly and ‘woohoo-ing’ it up. It was awesome. And it brought tears to my eyes.

 It didn’t hurt that Ryan Bingham is awesome also. I wasn’t familiar with him until last night and if you are not familiar either- I seriously suggest checking him out. Old Man Billig stayed up past midnight for this guy, so you know he’s good. My favorite lyric from the night?

“When you’re stuck in a storm, well, do a rain dance”

Day 88

So after a carefree Monday with only tears of laughter, I woke up Tuesday in a major funk. I spent the entire day in my pajamas, ignoring all the things I should have been doing, and watching three hours of The Bachelorette instead. Basically, I spent the day feeling sorry for myself. I’m not very proud of this, but I have a habit of being lazy, which usually leads to me feeling sorry for myself, which is no good for anyone. So by the time Josh got home from work, I was in a sorry state. I ended up picking a fight with him at Hallmark and was beginning to make him feel as miserable as I was. And then I received this message:

“I envy you & Josh. What a great adventure you two are having & will be having more. Your best friend by your side every step of the way. There will be a couple of low points but many more mountain tops. Always think past the moment and adjust.”

Ah, the wise words of my Uncle David. Sent to me at the most perfect time. Think past the moment and adjust…was he reading my mind? Does he have a hidden camera in my house? How did he know I needed to hear exactly these words at exactly that moment? Whatever his methods, I instantly teared up when I read those words. But instead of giving into outright tears,  I put on my running shoes, asked Josh to take over dinner duty, and went for a long (HOT) run. Every time my foot pounded the pavement the words “adventure” and “adjust” went through my head. And by the time I walked back through our door, I was a sweaty, happy, adjusted girl. My Uncle David reminded me of something- I am facing an adventure. A lot of it is unknown- Will I like my new home? Where will I work? Will I make good friends? But the most important part of this adventure IS known and that is WHO I will be with. My husband. My best friend. And the reason I will always work to think past my moments and adjust.

Days 82-87

So, I promise I am not saying this because I have so much blogging to do and such little time, but I really haven’t been crying lately. It isn’t for lack of emotion, but I guess I’ve been so busy I just haven’t had time to let it all out. After finding our place on Tuesday, I only cried ONCE in FIVE days! Weird huh?? So between Wednesday and Sunday my only crying session was on Thursday and it was about Josh again. So I can’t really comment. I will say it was an embarrassing crying episode that took place in the middle of Zaxby’s and I had to work really hard to stop myself from an all out sob session. Other than that, I’ve just been too busy. We had a wonderful cookout at my parents' house on Saturday & I spent Sunday with my family. So nothing to cry about there!

And Monday- finally a day of tears that have nothing to do with packing, moving, or Atlanta!!! This might sound really silly and not very funny to y’all, but trust me- if you had been there, you would have died! It was late Monday night and I had made a huge bowl of peach ice cream to share with Josh. We were both on the couch and Josh was kind of leaning on me and I was feeding him bites of ice cream when he turned around and planted a big kiss on….the couch pillow! For some reason he thought it was my leg propped up behind him and you should have seen his face when he realized he was kissing the pillow. He looked so alarmed! Of course, I died laughing. And so did Josh. I couldn’t seem to laugh hard enough, it was so funny. I had tears streaming down my face in no time. I couldn’t even finish my ice cream.  

Days 79, 80, & 81

Sunday was my only day home before leaving for Atlanta. I had planned on doing laundry, cleaning the house, and generally getting caught up on stuff. Instead, we woke up, worked out, and met my parents and some friends out at King’s Family Vineyards for some polo & wine. It was fun. And hot! We got home around 5 o’clock and ate an entire bag of chips. After, Josh lay down on the couch and I lay down completely on top of him and we slept for like 2 hours. We woke with that sweaty-nap feeling and we were kind of stuck together, but it was nice.  We ate more junk food & went to bed without doing a single chore or responsible thing. Heaven.

However, I had to pay for Sunday on Monday. I woke up with a tiny wine headache and A LOT on my To-Do-List. Somehow I got most of it done and Josh & I were on the road to ATL by 2 pm that day. I cried twice in the car that evening, but I really can’t discuss why. It has to do with some stuff Josh is going through and while I may be the Mouth of the South, Josh is much for conservative and private. He would kill me if I started airing HIS dirty laundry in addition to mine. So I’ll just say it was an emotional evening and I cried because I hate to see my husband hurting and I hate not knowing what to do to help.

We got started house hunting early Tuesday morning. Now, Josh and I were both prepared to deal with a lot of tears on this trip. I was tired, stressed, and PMS’ing. By lunch time on Tuesday we had looked at several awful places to live and Josh’s muffler started making a weird sound. We were sweaty and hungry and feeling intimidated by what Atlanta had to offer. So we were both quiet as we sat down for lunch. I felt close to tears and was beginning to resent Atlanta a little bit UNTIL I looked over at my husband and could see the strain and stress on his handsome face. I swallowed my tears right then & there and put my brave face on. I grabbed his hands and told him not to worry and jabbered on and on the entire lunch so he couldn’t find the time to be down or negative. And guess what y’all?!? We left that lunch and drove around the corner from the restaurant and found our new home! I had told Josh at lunch I had a premonition that we would come back to this restaurant one day laughing about how down in the dumps we had been on our first day in Atlanta. And I think I was right. We’ll be back often. There may be times we feel like we can conquer the world and there may be times we feel conquered by the world, but we’ll be there together, holding hands and supporting one another.

Days 77 & 78

Y’all!! It’s been so long! Things have been crazy lately. Josh & I spent last week in Atlanta and we found our new home! Our trip was exhausting, long, and HOT, but we survived and I only cried once the entire time. I have much to blog about, so I might as well pick up where I left off:

Day 77- After my meltdown Thursday night I woke up to my last day in Portland feeling lighter. Emotionally. I was tired and ready to go home, but I felt much more stable and strong. It was an easy and short day at work, so I got to spend the afternoon walking around Portland, eating good food, and reading my book. No tears were left to cry after the previous night. It was all good.

Day 78- Ahhh, time to go home! I woke up at 5 AM eager to get going. I checked in for my flight and realized I had been upgraded to 1^st class and it was a wonderful way to start my day. I spent all morning in my cushy seat, eating a warm breakfast, and finishing Gone with the Wind.. It was lovely.  It’s always a long day traveling west to east, so I didn’t land until 7 pm in Charlottesville and I was tired. I don’t know how many of you have been to the Charlottesville airport, but the view is pretty amazing. So when I wheeled my suitcase out to my car and looked up to see those green, lush mountains in the distance I was overcome with emotion. I will miss this place. But the tears didn’t truly start till I lugged my suitcase into my car, got in, turned the key, and the thing wouldn’t start. It is currently sitting outside my house- dead.