Days 73, 74, 75, & 76

I worked all day on Monday, left around 7:30 to buy some mini bottles of wine, and went straight to the theater with my lady co-worker friends to watch Bridesmaids. It was such a fun evening and the movie was grrrreat. It wasn't a crying kind of movie; it was a laugh out loud and, at one point, a sing-along kind of movie. But still, I managed a tear. It was just a little one and I’m blaming the wine.

Tuesday & Wednesday are easy: AMERICAN IDOL Y’ALL!!!! It was so good. I didn’t know who I wanted to win and I don’t think it matters. They will both be famous. I want them to get married and have little babies that wear little baby cowboy boots. I also want Carrie Underwood’s legs.

So, after three carefree days Thursday brought the breakdown I’ve been waiting for. I don’t really have a reason for crying so much. It was late that night and I had been feeling a bit weepy, but I kept telling myself I didn’t have time for a good cry. I needed sleep and I didn’t need puffy eyes the following morning, but after tossing and turning for an hour or so I caved. I turned my head into my pillow and sobbed. I don’t really have a specific reason or trigger, but I cried and cried until my lips swelled up. I had to sleep with a cold rag over my eyes and I think it worked because I didn’t look all that bad the next day. I felt refreshed and a little more stable actually. Which is a good thing because Josh is convinced I am too emotional lately and is dreading our 8 hour car ride together on Monday, so hopefully my little sob sesh helped clear my head and I will be nice to him the entire trip!

Day 72

On Sunday I arrived to work in a pretty good mood. That all changed when I logged onto my e-mail. See, while I am currently working in Portland for my old boss, I was originally supposed to be working in L.A. WITH my old boss…and my two best friends….and every single person I love from my old job. They are ALL there in L.A. working while I train a new employee in Portland. To be fair, my boss did call and ask if I would be willing to make this change and I did agree, so I really can’t complain. But I am anyway. Because I am sooooo sad I have to miss seeing everyone I used to work with and I have to be here in rainy old Portland and all my L.A. co-workers keep posting and texting and e-mailing me pictures of all the fun they are having and it makes me want to scream. Or jump on a plane to L.A. Or just go home and cry.

In addition to all the fun I am missing out on in L.A. I am also missing out on the following back home in VA:

A Wedding Shower

A Baby Shower

A Birthday Party

A Memorial Day Gathering

In my last month of spending time in Charlottesville with friends and family, I am missing everything to work or house hunt in Atlanta. So instead of opening all these party invites and fun pictures with excitement, I open them with a very heavy heart. I feel left out. I feel panicked at how little time I have left in Virginia. I feel sad.

So on Sunday, when I opened all these RSVPs and beach cookout pictures I just blinked up at these ugly fluorescent convention center lights and willed myself not to cry. And it worked. I lasted allllll day without crying. Then I went back to my hotel room and let it all out.

silver lining

Even though I cried myself to sleep on Saturday, the good news is the world didn't begin to end! This means we all escaped five months of torture AND we get to laugh at all those crazies driving around in cars advertising The Rapture That Never Was.

Day 71

My favorite word in the entire English language is ‘husband’. It used to be ‘y’all’ but my recently acquired right to add a satisfying ‘my’ in front of the h-word quickly bumped it to 1^st place. I never, EVER use the phrase ‘my husband’ without feeling a little thrill. I hope I never grow accustomed to uttering those precious words.

In the early days of our marriage Josh & I established an evening routine. When he leaves work he texts me “Heading your way” and I answer “Yay!” As soon as Josh opens the front door he yells “Wife!” and I shout “Husband!” then he lays his briefcase on the kitchen chair and hugs me. He puts both his arms around me and holds me tight without saying a single word. It is the most precious moment of my day. I’ve always appreciated the fact that Josh hugs me hello instead of kissing me. It requires more effort than a passing kiss and it’s sweet and quite and it makes me feel like he’s been waiting all day to hold me in his arms. It is just a second or two and then he lets me go. He loosens his tie and lays his papers and name badge and pager all over my kitchen counter and starts telling me about his day, but it’s those quite moments when he first walks in that start my evening off so perfectly.

We often end our evenings in a similar manner. After we’ve turned off the TV and our conversation has faded Josh will sometimes whisper into the dark “wife” and I’ll turn to him and cuddle up and answer back with a whispered “husband”. He’ll kiss the top of my head and I’ll roll back over to my side and fall asleep. I love this. And so, on Saturday night while my east coast body tried to fall asleep on a west coast eve, I was desperately wishing for darkness, and my favorite pillow, and to hear my husband whisper in the dark “wife” so that I could turn to him and utter that sacred word back. I longed for it so much that tears streamed down my face and, finally, I fell asleep with the word husband stuck in my throat.  

Day 70

 

I arrived to Portland on Thursday only to find out I didn’t have to actually work ‘til Saturday. So Friday was a free day for me. Or rather a day I could have been at home making plans to move, finishing school work for my class, and cuddling with my man.

But we won’t go there.

Anyway, I didn’t really take advantage of my day in Portland. I’m not good at venturing out on my own and seeing the sights. My friend, Ashley Taylor, is born to travel. In every city she visits for work she ends up going to concerts and sporting events and on hikes. She is always out and about soaking up every opportunity. She left Portland a day before me and her adventurous ghost was haunting me as I spent hours reading and facebooking in my room. I wish I could be more like her because sitting in one’s room all day pining away for home is depressing. And it’s not a good way to start a trip. So Friday wasn’t really a crying type of day, just more like a rainy, feeling sorry for myself day. Ho hum.

Day 69

I left for Portland on Thursday. Something about traveling always makes me a little reflective and solemn. Looking out from my little airplane window on clouds and sky makes me feel very serious and philosophical. I don’t know why, but I’ve always been that way. So with all that is going on lately, Thursday felt…heavy. I thought about Ken and his family of course. I tried not to get angry that I have to travel from home and miss his funeral. I thought a lot about our move to Atlanta and how special it is to have someone to live a life with and face new experiences with and call the minute your plane lands.

There was a soldier coming home from Iraq on my plane. He looked like he was 16 and his seat was in the last row of the plane by the bathrooms. The flight attendant moved him up to first class and the whole plane clapped and cheered as he made his way to the front. I cried and felt like a total dork and was happy for the dimmed cabin lights. I tried to wipe my tears away inconspicuously as I gazed out the window and thought how bittersweet life can be sometimes. How in one day you can kiss your husband goodbye, grieve the loss of a friend, travel from one coast to the next, and celebrate a soldier’s homecoming. 

Days 67 & 68

Well, I broke my dry spell on Tuesday. It wasn’t the major breakdown I am still waiting for, but it was more intense than normal considering I was crying over Glee. It was a good thing Josh was home, because I almost got up during the middle of the show to go in my bedroom and sob. I didn’t, because Josh already thinks I’m weird enough, so instead I sat on the couch and cried and cried. Josh didn’t bat an eye. But he sat with me. Which is really nice since he usually won’t even stay in the room when Glee is on.

On Wednesday my friend Ken Frank passed away. I got the message when I woke up Wednesday morning and I have to admit, I didn’t cry at first. Josh had gone by to visit Ken & Barbara Tuesday afternoon and he had warned me Ken was in bad shape. So when I got the news on Wednesday, part of me felt like this was for the best, that the Ken and Barbara I know wouldn’t want this life for Ken. Which I guess is true, but that evening when Josh got home and I was talking to him about it, I got really upset. Because if I’m being honest with myself and trying to rationalize what type of life Ken deserves, then I would say it is the life he had before the stroke. Ken didn’t deserve to die. It isn’t BETTER that he’s gone. And Barbara doesn’t deserve the hand she’s been dealt either. So the truth is- the whole thing sucks. It is sad and unfair and heartbreaking. I know I am just one of many crying over the loss of Ken.

Days 64, 65, & 66

Alright guys, things have been…abnormal lately. Usually when I am any type of anything, I cry. Happy, sad, stressed, excited, sleepy, scared, touched, all of these emotions usually involve tears. The past few days I have been feeling ALL of these things, happy for my husband and his new job, sad to leave my friends and family, stressed about the logistics of moving, excited for this new adventure, sleepy from all the planning, scared to move to such a big city, and touched by all the support we’ve received.

BUT y’all-  I haven’t cried in THREE DAYS! Not one tear. My eyes haven’t watered up, my throat hasn’t gotten that tight feeling, NADA. It is totally weird. I have to admit in the back of my mind I keep thinking I’ve dried up and used all my tears and now I will live life as a normal, functioning human being, but really I think this is just the calm before the storm. This is my schedule for the next six weeks or so and I can guarantee there is going to be at least one major breakdown somewhere in there: 

May 20-28: Portland to work a tradeshow

May 30 – June 2: Atlanta to house hunt

June 4: Party to celebrate my graduation/Josh’s new job/Brad’s promotion as a K-9 Cop

June 13-17: Lynchburg to finish up my last class and GRADUATE!

June 21-June 30: Philly with Flynnie & Brit Brit for a tradeshow

July 1-3: Pack up and move to ATL

And I just typed all of that without crying….like I said- ABNORMAL!!!!

Days 59-63

So I am going to make this easy on everyone. There has been SOOOO much going on right now and SOOOO much crying lately- it would be easier for me to talk about the time I DIDN’T spend crying this week. So instead of explaining each and every tear in detail, I’ll just let ya know what all occurred this week:

1. We FINALLY received the answer to our prayers and Josh received, and accepted, a JOB OFFER!! My husband is the new Strategic Analyst at Emory University Hospital. Woot woot!

2. We began telling friends and family about our move to Atlanta, began looking at homes and jobs in Atlanta, and began facing the reality that we are moving to Atlanta!

3. My best friend, who I haven’t seen in ONE WHOLE YEAR and who just got engaged, came to visit.

4. It was my last week of student teaching. I did not want to leave those kids, but they showered me with love on my last day. They made it so special. I actually enjoyed my last day with them so much, I cried more on the days leading up to my departure than on the actual day of my departure. It was perfect. In fact, my entire 15 weeks with them was perfect.

Days 57 & 58

Alright, now for Sunday! It is twice the crying, twice the…fun?

It starts with friends of the family, Barbara and Ken Frank. Barbara and Ken are friends of my parents, but they are also very special to me. To know them is to love them. They both have big smiles and a wonderful zest for life. When Josh & I were engaged Barbara sent me one of the nicest gifts I’ve ever received- the sixpence she carried on her wedding day 30 years before. She passed it down to me to carry on my own wedding day. I cherish that sixpence and will cherish Barbara forever for such a special gift. Ken gave me a different gift for my wedding- endless hugs. Ken gives these big, bone crushing hugs and I got plenty of them over the course of my wedding celebration. He hugged me hello, hugged me goodbye, hugged me at the bar, hugged me when I passed him in the hall, hugs, hugs, hugs. It was wonderful. He made me feel so special and I will never forget either of them for helping me to celebrate my marriage in such a special way.

Lately, I have remembered them in my prayers as Ken recovers after suffering a spinal stroke this week. On Sunday, I went to his Caring Bridge site to leave a message for them both and I couldn’t get through it without crying.  It is so hard for me to imagine Ken sick. He is smiley and happy and lively. It hurts my heart to know what he is going through and for Barbara as she stands by his side. I tried to leave an upbeat, encouraging message, something worthy of Ken & Barbara. I’m not sure I did, but as I thought about my memories of Ken, my tears stopped. And true to form, he had me smiling in no time.

So after leaving Ken & Barbara a message I went to call my grandparents and wish Grandma Metje a Happy Mother’s Day. I think I’ve mentioned that she is suffering from Alzheimer’s… or rather WE are suffering from her Alzheimer’s. While my family struggles with this disease she is happy as a clam lately. Nothing bothers her and she loves to tell me all the things she had to eat at dinner, about the birds in the backyard, and the weather. That woman loves to talk about the weather. So on Sunday we went through the normal topics, food, birds, weather, but something was different. She didn’t know who I was. She couldn’t remember when I tried telling her who my dad was or where I live. She couldn’t remember when Grandpa got out pictures and showed her my face. She simply could not remember me. I told her it was okay, that all she needed to know was that I was someone who loved her & wished her a Happy Mother’s Day.  She was fine with this. She thanked me for calling and giggled and said she would just have to take me by my word that I was someone who loved her. And I hope she did. I barely made it off the phone before going into major breakdown mode, but I am proud that I held it together while we talked. I wouldn’t want to do anything to disturb her happiness, her blissful state of unawareness.

Day 56

Okay, so I’m gonna have to switch things up a bit. I didn’t really cry much Friday and Saturday, so instead of blogging lame stories about movies that made me cry, I’m going to blog about crying episode #2 from Thursday and Sunday’s double feature.

Even though I posted on Thursday about how a thankful heart can move mountains, I also have to mention how healing a good confessional cry can be. For the past week or so I’ve been talking to friends, family members, and anyone who will listen about how stressful Josh’s job search has been, but I haven’t talked to JOSH about it. He has so much on his plate I felt that I shouldn’t burden him with all my fears and worries. But Thursday night we sat on the couch after dinner and I let it all spill out. My sadness at leaving my family, my worries about the when’s and where’s and how’s of it all. I just let it out. And Josh listened. He didn’t try to comfort me or make me laugh or roll his eyes at my tears, he just listened. And by the end of it I had gone through about 20 tissues and felt at least 20 pounds lighter. I haven’t cried about moving since.

I will blog about Sunday’s double crying feature soon! It's a doozy. And just a head's up, but this is my last week of student teaching. I've already cried several times and I am predicting Monday through Friday will be a lot of posts about how much I love my students and how I don't want to leave and how Monday will be the first Monday in 15 weeks that I won't spend with my amazing Monticello kids. Get ready...

Days 54 & 55

So, I bet some of y’all are missing the days when all I cried about was Bethany Getting Married and The Kardashian Girls. I feel like all I talk about, think about, cry about lately is our job/living situation. And I’m afraid Wednesday & Thursday were no different. I’m sorry, but bear with me, because good news is on the horizon. I can feel it!!

So Josh had a big interview on Wednesday! And it went really well, but I don’t want to jinx anything and we’re just playing the waiting game right now anyway. More on this developing story later!

 So, on Wednesday evening my Dad called to hear about JB’s day and after filling him in on the good news Dad asked how I felt about it. And all I could squeeze out was a weak little “Um, I don’t know” before bursting into tears and talking in my high pitched crying voice about all my fears and worries. Dad usually doesn’t handle my crying episodes well (neither of my parents do actually. Mom gets kinda annoyed and Dad gets uncomfortable... and probably annoyed). However, he handled it all pretty well on Wednesday. He gave me good advice and my tears didn’t last long at all. Either he is getting better at handling his emotional daughter or I am drying up.

On Thursday I came to school and this is what my daily ‘Reminders from God’ said:

"Whenever trouble comes, think of all that you are thankful for. Your thankful heart and praise move mountains."

This made me feel better and tear up all at the same time. I am trying very hard to be thankful right now in regards to this whole thing. I mean, I am moving for my husband’s job. MY HUSBAND. The person I love. So instead of grumbling about moving I need to be thankful I have found a person worth moving for. But I find myself concentrating on all the details instead- like when will we move and where will we move and how will we know what neighborhood to live in and when will I find a job and what if it’s not close to the neighborhood we choose and AHHHHHHHHHHH! So it was a good reminder today, to be thankful. And it’s true. A thankful heart really can move mountains.

Now, if it could only pack and move all my STUFF…

Days 52 & 53

Okay, so I was a total crybaby on Monday & Tuesday y’all. Well, pretty much in general lately, but especially on Monday and Tuesday. The reasons are kind of interconnected, starting with an off-handed comment Josh made while we were running Monday evening. He asked if I had plans for Tuesday while he was out of town and I mentioned possibly seeing my parents, to which he replied “You better…while you still can.” Since we were running, I kind of just nodded my head and agreed, but that comment knocked me off balance a little. And suddenly, I couldn’t think of anywhere I’d rather be than my mom and dad’s house. I NEEDED to go there Tuesday night.

Afterwards, I was in the shower (where I do all my thinking) and I started making these lists in my head, pros and cons of moving to (insert some far away city here).  I was trying to be rational about all this and it was working. Until I wiped all the steam off the mirror and caught my own eye in my reflection and I lost it. I put my head in my hands and cried. For a bunch of reasons and for no reason at all, I guess. Then I took three deep breaths, put my lotion on my face, and went out to text my mom about spending the night on Tuesday.

Which leads me to Tuesday. Unfortunately, I got in a fight with my mom after school, which sent me straight for my bedroom and the tissues instead of over to Staunton for a sleepover. I won’t get into details, but we are both stressed out girls right now, my mom & I. And sometimes these things just happen. Later, I was trying to shake it and just move on when I thought of something to add to my pros & cons list: No more fights with mom about driving over for the night. This thing is, I just don’t know which category to put that under…

Day 51

As a week full of interviews and anxiety approached, Josh & I decided to keep the Royal theme going and rent The King's Speech on Sunday. It lived up to all the hype and we both enjoyed it thoroughly. But it wasn’t the movie that made me cry on Sunday, it was something Josh said during the movie. It was the scene in which the Queen looks straight in the King’s eye before he makes his big speech and tells him he can do it, tells him he’ll be great. And right there, in the quiet of our own living room, my husband shouted “That’s my wife! My motivator!” It wasn’t just what he said that made me cry, but how he said it. It was like a little boy bragging to a room full of people, he said it so loud, so proud. It made me proud, too. Proud I could be that for him. Proud that is who I am, in his eyes. I just grinned up at him, blinked back my tears, and thought “He’s not the only one getting good at this marriage stuff.”

Days 48, 49 & 50

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were totally MANIC. And not just in my head, but around the world. There were Royal Wedding festivities and deadly tornadoes, sunshine and black clouds, and, of course, laughter and tears.

I was all set to turn the TV on Thursday evening and cry over Michael Scott’s departure on The Office, but what I didn’t expect was to turn the TV on Thursday morning to such devastation in the South. I was completely shocked and saddened.  I cried and prayed, for those affected by the storms and for those who weren’t. I prayed that those who lost loved ones and homes and businesses find strength and peace as they cope. I prayed for those, like me, who sat on their cushy beds, warm & safe, to be thankful for all we have.

So I probably don’t have to say much about Friday. It was the ROYAL WEDDING DAY! I’m pretty sure no one needs an explanation for why I cried. As soon as I saw William & Harry sitting side by side in that car, I lost it. I’m glad I watched it the first time around by myself. It wasn’t pretty.

On Saturday my friends & I had a Royal Wedding party. We watched the wedding on DVR and ate lots of yummy brunch food and drank champagne. We gabbed over all the details and rumors we had heard about the wedding and debated over which prince was hotter. It was so fun and girly. No tears at all. Until someone asked about Josh’s job status. I just couldn’t help but cry. The stress of this job search and all the uncertainty in our life right now is overwhelming at times. I try to be strong in front of Josh because he feels so much stress as it is, but on Saturday I completely unloaded. And my friends did what all good friends do- they listened and sympathized and began to talk about their own hopes and struggles- how their husbands work too hard and how they hope to move here or there one day and have babies and homes and different lives. They reminded me that I’m not alone.