Day 135

People who constantly talk about their body, or what they ate, or how much they weigh really get on my nerves. So it kinda sucks I am one of these people. This means I constantly get on my own nerves. It’s like I hear myself saying these annoying things and I am telling myself to shut up but then I just keep going on and on about it anyway. Gag me.

So- I made a deal with myself a few days ago that I wouldn’t say anything negative about my body for seven days in a row. My intent was for the 7 days to turn in to 14 days, then 21, and so on and so on.

 I lasted about 48 hours.

What really put a kink in my plan was I had to be measured last week for my bridesmaid dress and I’m not really digging my numbers y’all. So I complained about it, made jokes about it, and googled what measurements constitute the “perfect hourglass figure”. Ugh.

Anyway, Sunday night Josh & I were laying on the floor (our new couch isn’t being delivered until next week- so we have to do everything on the floor. It sucks) and I was analyzing my measurements…again. We were trying to figure out if my ratio fit the hourglass ratio when Josh got really confused with the math. So I said:

“C’mon Josh, did you skip geometry in high school or something?”

To which he replied:

“I don’t know, did you skip P.E.?”

And then he looked at me with this startled look on his face. Because Josh NEVER makes fun of my body or my looks. So he just kind of waited for my reaction.

And I cracked up.

Maybe it was just the shock of him saying something mean to me. Or maybe it was the look on his face after. Or maybe it was just a funny comeback. But I died. And then I got even more tickled when Josh threw his arms around me and between laughs kept repeating “I’m so relieved you are laughing” and “I’m so happy you aren’t mad at me.”

It was adorable.

I’ve never felt more beautiful, rolling around on my fat ass in a fit of laughter and tears. Love him.

Day 134

Today I had to head back to Atlanta. I was sad my trip with Britt was over, but I was missing my man and ready to get home to him. Plus, we had a pool party to go to that evening! 

My trip was long and traffic-y and I was getting bored. As I drove though Aiken, SC (where I lived as a young girl) one of my favorite songs came on the radio, Miranda Lambert’s The House That Built Me. I love this song and I found it kind of ironic that it played as I drove through the place I used to live. But as I listened to the lyrics I realized I have no connection to that song. I don’t really have one place or one home that defines my life or my childhood or where I came from.

Instead, I think it is a whole patchwork of people that built me.

Like my mother and father and brother, who have never let one single day of my life pass by without making sure I know I am loved.

And my friends in Virginia, the old ones who helped the Metjes make a true home in that beautiful valley, and my news ones, who helped the Billigs make their first home together so fun & wonderful.

And my sweet family in Missouri- my grandparents, who continue to teach me what true faith, love, and commitment looks like. And my handsome Uncle Kirk. And my cousins who suddenly transformed from family members to true blue friends.

And my husband’s warm and welcoming family in Greenville- who love me simply because Josh does.

And the Yankees, and gangsters, and teamsters across the country who taught me how to drink in a bar til 2 AM and show up to work at 6. And that you really CAN’T judge a book by its cover.

And the list goes on and on. I spent the rest of my trip home thinking many of the same things I thought on my trip to Charleston, that I am truly blessed with so many people in my life it is overwhelming. It blows my mind that one girl gets to spend her life with so many amazing people. That in a single day I can hug my best friend’s neck, hear an “I love you sweetie” from my dad, kiss my husband, and make new friends at a party.

Life is good, y’all. SUPER good!

Day 131

Ahhhh, what is better than a week in Charleston with your bestie? Well, I guess it would be a week in Charleston with your bestie doing WEDDING STUFF!!! I can’t think of anything I’d rather do then walk down the beach talking about wedding dresses, décor, first dances. It makes me a very happy girl. Therefore, I didn’t expect many, or ANY, tears while in Charleston.

But they came anyway.

I should have expected it, but I didn’t. I have no idea why or how I thought I was gonna get through seeing Brittny in her wedding dress for the first time without crying. At first, there was no hint of a tear. I was all business- looking at the length and discussing the alterations she needed done and asking her what kind of jewelry she wanted. But then- I just stood back and looked at for a second.

Really looked at her.

And I was overcome with emotion. She couldn’t stand still in that dress. She just swayed back and forth and her dress was rustling and she looked stunning.  

Seeing the people who mean the most to you in a truly happy place is the BEST. THING. EVER.

The pretty dress doesn’t hurt either.

Day 130

I woke up tired on Tuesday after a late night with friends, but I was up and at ‘em early because I had to pack and hit the road for Charleston! I was so excited to get there and spend the week with Brittny doing wedding stuff with her!

I called my mom to check in once I got on the road and we ended up talking for an hour and a half…about lots of stuff. Mom had a serious chat with me about my last post and all my absurd fears. And we talked about all the things we hadn’t caught up on since she got home from Italy. It was awesome to talk to her for so long, but after 90 minutes of girl talk Mom needed to get work done & I needed to save my battery, so we said goodbye and I cranked up the radio and thought about how lucky I am- to have a home & a husband I miss every second I’m away, to have a best friend like Brittny who I couldn’t wait to see, and to have a mom like mine, who talks to me and gives me advice and trusts me with her own secrets and problems. I was smiling and crying all at once just thinking about how beautiful life is when you have amazing people to share it with.

Day 127

Today was kind of a bad day. Nothing seemed to go my way. So, instead of carrying on with all the things I had on my to-do-list, I decided to go to the book store to buy a new book.

I got home, changed into shorts, poured a glass of wine, and sat down to read my new Emily Griffin novel, expecting a good, sappy Chick Lit read. Instead, I was balling my eyes out by the end of chapter one.

This is how the first chapter ended: “I close my eyes, wondering whether we are ever truly blindsided my misfortune. Or, if somehow, somewhere, in the form of empathy or worry or premonition deep within ourselves, do we feel it coming?”

I know this may not sound all that sad to some people, but to me, it encompasses almost every minute of every day in my life. Because, and I cannot believe I’ve made it 127 days without blogging about this, I am entirely and completely consumed by fear that something tragic may happen at any moment. It is irrational, but my brain instantly goes to the worst-case-scenario. Constantly. And by constantly I mean ALL. THE. TIME.

Let me give you some examples:

My wedding weekend- when everyone I know & love was on the road or in the air traveling to Charleston. I was CONVINCED someone would have an accident and die. I just knew something horrible would happen.

Or when my parents went to Italy. I was equally afraid of an accident happening to THEM over there as I was of that something bad happening to US over here and we would ruin their trip.

Or when Josh runs to the grocery store and isn’t back in a ‘reasonable’ about of time.

Or when I return a missed call. From ANYONE.

And the list goes on and on.

So, I had a good, old fashioned cry when I read those words today. Being blindsided by tragedy is my biggest fear. So I spend all my energy creating the worst possible outcome. Just to be prepared.

It’s the biggest waste of my time. It doesn't do anything at all to actually prevent a tragedy. But I have no earthly idea how to stop…

Day 126

Alright! We’re all caught up. I hated to rush through such an emotional and sentimental time in my life, but I have got to tell y’all about today!! Oh. My. Gosh.

So, I’ve been trying out different running routes in my new neighborhood lately. I LOVE running here- our new home is FULL of adorable houses. They all have perfect lawns, with kids’ bicycles and luxury cars parked in the garages. Josh & I run by and daydream about living in one someday. Sigh.

Anyway, this morning I woke up early and decided to try out a new route. I was digging the run, feeling good and enjoying myself, and then BAM!!

I bit it, y’all.

And when I say I bit it, I mean I literally fell down and face planted into a patch of ivy. And not only did I face plant into a patch of ivy, but I did it on a super busy road during morning traffic. Once I realized my face was in a freaking bush, I tried to get up quickly and brush myself off, but unfortunately a few nice morning drivers felt the need to GET OUT OF THEIR CARS and check on me.

So embarrassing.

One such driver, a large redneck man in a construction van, also felt the need to yell back to the rest of the crowd “It’s okay y’all. She’s okay. She just wanted to sit down and take a rest for a minute, didn’t ya sweetheart?”

Mortifying.

I didn’t know what to do, so I just smiled, picked two leaves out of my teeth (seriously. TWO LEAVES were in my mouth) and awkwardly decided to keep running. I turned the corner (not really the way to my house, but I had to get out of the line of sight) and that’s when I realized that I really was hurt. My left knee was bleeding through my pants and my right knee was seriously burning. And my pride guys! My pride was majorly hurt! So what did I do? I cried. I kept running. But I also cried.  I did both until I reached my front door. Then I went straight for the phone & called my mom.

On the bright side, I'm absolutely positive I made about 30 people's drive to work A LOT funnier today. You're welcome Atlanta.

Days 111-125

Again, for the sake of catching up, I am going to speed through the remaining days. Obviously, I got home from Philly and moved to Atlanta during this time, so there were PLENTY of tears flowing. The worst day though was Thursday, June 30. I left Philly that day to head home for my very LAST day in Charlottesville. Josh had spent the day packing up our moving truck and we were heading to Atlanta the following morning. So when my train arrived in Charlottesville, I went straight to dinner with Josh and our closest Cville friends, Carrie & Mike. We had a wonderful evening, but I was dreading our goodbyes. Even Josh got choked up as we were leaving and both Carrie & Keri were a mess! But Mike put it perfectly when he said to me “Carrie & I really liked Charlottesville when we moved here, but meeting you & Josh made it home for us.”

Ditto Carrie & Mike. Ditto.

The rest of our moving week was crazy. I was exhausted. And usually the tears come quickly when I am tired, but the week went really well. I didn’t cry all that much. Maybe because we were so busy. Or maybe, now that our goodbyes were behind us, we were more relaxed and excited to begin our new adventure. Whatever the reason, Josh & I had an awesome first week in Atlanta together! We unpacked, drank beer on our new porch, and bought a new car! A momentous week for the Billigs!!

Days 101-110

Oh my gosh y’all- I have got to speed through these past few weeks to we can get to TODAY. You are gonna DIE. So very quickly:

Monday was my last full day being in Charlottesville. I had to pack for my trip to Philly, I had to pack my entire closet, bathroom, bedroom, and anything else Josh could live without while I was gone, and I had Josh’s farewell dinner at UVA. And I was sick. So I basically cried my way through everything. I cried while packing, I cried on the phone to Josh, I cried when I realized how much I had to do and all I really wanted was a nap, and the list goes on.

On Tuesday I arrived in Philly to work AND to see Brittny, Flynnie, and Marci- I was very excited, but still sick. I took the train up that afternoon and dragged myself into bed to sleep until Brittny arrived that evening. Josh’s phone call woke me up around 5 and I felt to sick and sleepy and sorry for myself that I cried to him on the phone for a little bit until he told me I should just go back to sleep. So I did.

On Wednesday Brittny decided to keep a running list of what made me cry for the week. We were so swamped for work that I knew I wouldn’t be able to blog so Britt decided to kind of ghost write for me. I am going to copy her list word for word:

Wed 6/22 Parents are leaving for Italy. Said my goodbyes. Cried real hard.

Thurs 6/23 Britt made me cry.

Sat 6/25 Josh made me cry. He texted me “we are going to Atlanta & I love you, love you, love you.”

Sun 6/26 Josh made me cry. Again.

Mon 6/27 My mom emailed me from Italy. So happy to hear from her. It brings tears to my eyes. I love my parents!

Tue 6/28 My parents called me from Italy. Yay! So excited to hear from them but it made me cry. I can’t believe they won’t be home when I move to ATL. I will miss them. I don’t want to move away from my parents. I’m almost a 30 yr old grown up and I miss my mom & dad. WAH!

Thanks Britt! For keeping track. I left out the part you asked me to leave out, but I still have it in writing to use as blackmail later J Love you!!

Day 100

Because June was so crazy for us and it was our last weekend in Charlottesville, my entire family came over to our house for Father’s Day. I felt bad making the two fathers in my life (my dad & my brother) make the hike over the mountain on the day they are supposed to relax, but I was thankful to have extra time at the house to pack. Plus, they brought moving boxes with them! Win - Win.

Anyway, we had a great afternoon. We ordered a buffet of Chinese food, opened gifts, played cards, and ignored the fact that I was moving soon. My parents were leaving for Italy in just a few days and my Father’s Day gift to him was some travel gear, including one of those passport holders you wear around your neck, under your shirt. Dad put it on right away and wore it the rest of the day. Which meant my brother and I made all kinds of jokes about our dorky, tourist dad. It was fun.

Until we had to say goodbye. I immediately started crying, which was expected, but then my mom burst into tears right away and I couldn’t handle it. My niece and nephew didn’t quite know what to do and my dad just held me extra tight and extra long.

And then my brother got back out of the car and came around to me and said “I told you this the day you got married and my offer still stands- one phone call and I’m there” then he hugged me and got in the car and my whole family waved and waved as they drove away. And I stood on the sidewalk of our house, crying and crying into Josh’s chest.

Day 98 & 99

And so, it is Friday. My last day of Grad School. I have learned so much.

After a day of final presentations, projects, and a final exam, I left Liberty to head back to Charlottesville. It would be my last weekend there. I was supposed to spend the whole weekend packing and preparing for our move, but instead I made lots of plans with friends so I could say goodbye. Of course, goodbyes = tears. Always.

My first goodbye was Friday night. I hugged my friend Leah goodbye and I was pretty well-behaved. I didn’t make a big deal about it and I was proud of myself for being grownup about it all. Saturday morning I said goodbye to my friend Carter. I wasn’t as controlled the second time around and I realized things were only going to get worse. Sunday was Father’s Day. And the day I would say goodbye to my family.

Day 97

I had the opportunity to right a wrong the next day when I ran into K again in the hallway. This time she was walking with another person and she didn’t even look up to see me standing there. I could have gotten away with not talking to her again, but after a quick internal debate with myself, I knew I needed to say hello. I called her name and was seriously expecting to see judgment in her eyes when she looked up. I sound so stupid to myself now. Because I received quite the opposite reception.  Her face lit up and she seemed genuinely pleased to see me. I could have stayed and talked to her forever. She has always seemed, to me, pretty and warm from afar, but she is even prettier and warmer close up. My worries and feelings of inadequacy were instantly soothed by her friendly chatter. I seriously underestimated K.  I realized the judgment I was so scared to see in her eyes was really coming from within. K not only accepted me as someone who belonged in those Liberty hallways, she was thrilled to see me there. She provided me with a sense of confidence I could not, for some reason, find in myself. I will forever be grateful that I found the courage to simply say hello to her, because I gained a sense of camaraderie and belonging during that brief conversation. 

Later that evening I went for a run. I was thinking about my conversation with K, about how beautiful Liberty campus is, and how thankful I feel to have found this place. Here I am, running and pouring sweat, thinking about my struggles to feel adequate and good. I was talking to God in my head, saying over and over “Thank you for leading me here. I am so happy to be in this place” and suddenly, in my own head, in a very soft voice, I heard “Keri, I am happy you are here.”

And I stopped running.

I started crying.

Because it had not hit me until that very moment that not only was I pleased with where I was in life, but God is pleased with me. I am making him happy. He is happy to have me. He is not asking me to make up for past mistakes. I do not have a penance to pay. He knows my heart. He knows I am where I am supposed to be. And he is happy.

This was such a revelation to me. I don’t need to stay up at night counting my regrets and crying over mistakes. I do not need to carry them around. I have asked for forgiveness. It has been granted. And just like K, God smiles so warmly at me and says “I am happy you are here.”

Day 96

Oh my gosh guys- it has been too long! I have been yearning to blog these past few weeks, but life has been so busy! We have much to talk about, but I am just going to pick up where I left off. Just to refresh, I was finishing up my last week at Liberty the last time I wrote. Thankfully, I actually wrote these posts before life got so busy. I am not sure I could have captured the emotion I felt if I had waited. So here goes…

On Wednesday I spotted someone I went to high school with walking down the School of Ed. hallway at Liberty. Let’s call her K. She was on the phone and I used it as a good excuse to avoid her…why?  I wasn’t sure, but for some reason I didn’t want her to see me. I felt weird and silly for avoiding her and it kind of bothered me all afternoon.

I was laying in bed that night thinking about it and I started to analyze why I acted that way. At first I blamed it on the ‘off week’ I’ve been having, but eventually I had to admit to myself the real reason- I felt uncomfortable. Because, you see, while K, in my mind, completely belongs at Liberty University, I haven’t quite convinced myself that I do. K always conducted herself well during our high school years. She was sweet and smart, and as far as I know, very well behaved. Whereas I was a dramatic, rebellious, unconfident teenager who conducted herself in quite a few ways that, looking back, make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. So I immediately looked at her walking down these quite Liberty hallways and thought to myself “She belongs here. And I do not.”

It made me sad to have those thoughts because I have fallen in LOVE with Liberty. The people. The campus. The feeling I have here- of peacefulness, of commitment, of faith. It has been a true blessing to attend school here, at this beautiful place. But sometimes, for some reason, I tend to beat myself up when I am here, surrounded by all this goodness. I think about all the mistakes I’ve made in the past and all the things I wish I had differently, and I feel unworthy. And that is why I avoided K today- I felt unworthy in her presence.

I stayed up way past my bedtime, tossing and turning, and thinking about all the things I wish I had done differently. I never understand people who say they have no regrets, because I do. I know I’m supposed to think differently- that all mistakes are learning opportunities and I couldn’t have gotten where I am today if I had done it differently, but I just don’t agree. I have regrets and I wish I could have gotten to where I am today by taking a different, straighter route. I thought about a lot of things that night and a few of them made me cry. Maybe it is that I’m lonely this week. And stressed. And ready to graduate. For quite some time that night I beat myself up about things I could not change. I felt bruised the next morning.

I didn’t know that Wednesday night that I would gain much more than a graduate degree by Friday.