Day 96

Oh my gosh guys- it has been too long! I have been yearning to blog these past few weeks, but life has been so busy! We have much to talk about, but I am just going to pick up where I left off. Just to refresh, I was finishing up my last week at Liberty the last time I wrote. Thankfully, I actually wrote these posts before life got so busy. I am not sure I could have captured the emotion I felt if I had waited. So here goes…

On Wednesday I spotted someone I went to high school with walking down the School of Ed. hallway at Liberty. Let’s call her K. She was on the phone and I used it as a good excuse to avoid her…why?  I wasn’t sure, but for some reason I didn’t want her to see me. I felt weird and silly for avoiding her and it kind of bothered me all afternoon.

I was laying in bed that night thinking about it and I started to analyze why I acted that way. At first I blamed it on the ‘off week’ I’ve been having, but eventually I had to admit to myself the real reason- I felt uncomfortable. Because, you see, while K, in my mind, completely belongs at Liberty University, I haven’t quite convinced myself that I do. K always conducted herself well during our high school years. She was sweet and smart, and as far as I know, very well behaved. Whereas I was a dramatic, rebellious, unconfident teenager who conducted herself in quite a few ways that, looking back, make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. So I immediately looked at her walking down these quite Liberty hallways and thought to myself “She belongs here. And I do not.”

It made me sad to have those thoughts because I have fallen in LOVE with Liberty. The people. The campus. The feeling I have here- of peacefulness, of commitment, of faith. It has been a true blessing to attend school here, at this beautiful place. But sometimes, for some reason, I tend to beat myself up when I am here, surrounded by all this goodness. I think about all the mistakes I’ve made in the past and all the things I wish I had differently, and I feel unworthy. And that is why I avoided K today- I felt unworthy in her presence.

I stayed up way past my bedtime, tossing and turning, and thinking about all the things I wish I had done differently. I never understand people who say they have no regrets, because I do. I know I’m supposed to think differently- that all mistakes are learning opportunities and I couldn’t have gotten where I am today if I had done it differently, but I just don’t agree. I have regrets and I wish I could have gotten to where I am today by taking a different, straighter route. I thought about a lot of things that night and a few of them made me cry. Maybe it is that I’m lonely this week. And stressed. And ready to graduate. For quite some time that night I beat myself up about things I could not change. I felt bruised the next morning.

I didn’t know that Wednesday night that I would gain much more than a graduate degree by Friday.