Day 127

Today was kind of a bad day. Nothing seemed to go my way. So, instead of carrying on with all the things I had on my to-do-list, I decided to go to the book store to buy a new book.

I got home, changed into shorts, poured a glass of wine, and sat down to read my new Emily Griffin novel, expecting a good, sappy Chick Lit read. Instead, I was balling my eyes out by the end of chapter one.

This is how the first chapter ended: “I close my eyes, wondering whether we are ever truly blindsided my misfortune. Or, if somehow, somewhere, in the form of empathy or worry or premonition deep within ourselves, do we feel it coming?”

I know this may not sound all that sad to some people, but to me, it encompasses almost every minute of every day in my life. Because, and I cannot believe I’ve made it 127 days without blogging about this, I am entirely and completely consumed by fear that something tragic may happen at any moment. It is irrational, but my brain instantly goes to the worst-case-scenario. Constantly. And by constantly I mean ALL. THE. TIME.

Let me give you some examples:

My wedding weekend- when everyone I know & love was on the road or in the air traveling to Charleston. I was CONVINCED someone would have an accident and die. I just knew something horrible would happen.

Or when my parents went to Italy. I was equally afraid of an accident happening to THEM over there as I was of that something bad happening to US over here and we would ruin their trip.

Or when Josh runs to the grocery store and isn’t back in a ‘reasonable’ about of time.

Or when I return a missed call. From ANYONE.

And the list goes on and on.

So, I had a good, old fashioned cry when I read those words today. Being blindsided by tragedy is my biggest fear. So I spend all my energy creating the worst possible outcome. Just to be prepared.

It’s the biggest waste of my time. It doesn't do anything at all to actually prevent a tragedy. But I have no earthly idea how to stop…