"Love actually is all around"

This is a quote from my all-time favorite movie ever- Love Actually. The full quote is: "Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinions starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around."

I love this. It makes me cry every time I read it, hear it, think about it. Except yesterday- when I dropped my parents off at the airport. I thought I wasn't going to cry because I get to see them in about 4 weeks, but I cried anyway. Just a little. Then a lot. I felt so sad to drive away from them. Just five days earlier I had driven this same drive with my parents in tow- excited chatter filling my car. And now I was alone and they were heading back to Virginia. Sad.

But then I thought about this quote. Because of the airport connection of course, but also for inspiration. I've been promising myself recently that I would work to stay positive during my blue moments. I have a habit of wallowing, so I tried to think about this quote for the rest of the afternoon to push myself. To push myself to cheer up. To push myself to not go home and cry into my pillow. To push myself to see the love all around me… even when I am blue.

And it worked! Instead of going home and moping (like I normally would have) I ran some errands, stopped by to see a friend (and her little dog: a major pick-me-up in fur) and went for a run. I started to cheer up as I kept busy and looked for love all around me... I didn't have to look hard.

Day 142

On Sunday, I put all my books aside to do one of my favorite things- read my new Southern Living. This is a recent favorite past time, as my mother just gifted me the magazine about a year ago. My grandmother gifted her the magazine when she married my dad and I remember them fanned out on our sunroom coffee table as a child. I had no interest in these magazines when I was younger. They seemed boring and mom-ish. I guess that’s why I love reading it now. I feel so domesticated. I cherish those Sunday evenings when dinner is cooking in the oven and I’m curled up with my sweat pants on and my husband next to me, reading about the perfect whipped potatoes or pound cake.

One of my favorite writers for SL is Rick Braggs. He is the only other writer that I would come close to comparing to Pat Conroy. He can reduce me to tears with a simple story about rebuilding a car with his son or a road trip with his Aunts. He’s heartfelt and sentimental and quintessentially Southern. So imagine what a wreck I was on Sunday when I snuggled up to read my new magazine and the issue was dedicated to the victims of the tornadoes in Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, and Joplin. And the article was by none other than Mr. Braggs. Josh got another earful, but had to go and get tissues while I read aloud.

I’m ordering all of his books tomorrow. I’m also making that Lemon Pie on the cover.

Day 141

I pretty much read a book a day. Not every day, but most days. Especially when it is summer and I’m unemployed and I have a kick ass porch to chill on. Every now and then I get kind of ADD about books and I start reading like three or four at a time. This is one of those kinds of weeks. I had Pat Conroy’s new book, My Reading Life, at home, but I also had a B&N gift card burning a hole in my pocket. So I went shopping.  I picked up a book I hadn’t heard of yet called The Happiness Project. I thought it sounded like the kind of pick-me-up I needed in the middle of my unemployment funk. I also got Dorthea Benton Frank’s new book about Folly Beach and one of Jennifer Weiner’s paperbacks.  

On Saturday Josh & I drove up to Greenville to visit his family. I drove him crazy the entire trip reading excerpts from Pat’s book. His writing is so achingly beautiful. I am both extremely jealous and in awe of his memory and vocabulary. I can’t help but cry when I read anything he writes and I always feel the need to read his words out loud. Josh was a good sport, turning down NPR every time I wanted to read him a line about Pat’s old English teacher, or how many times he’s read Gone with the Wind, or how books saved his life during Hell Week at The Citadel. He also pretended not to notice my tears.

Days 136-140

Ugh. Last week was a rough one y’all. My job search in Atlanta is not going so well. Even though I know it’s a down economy and I haven’t actually been  looking for very long and I need to keep a positive attitude, I just kind of crumbled last week. I don’t want to sit at home with nothing to do each day. I want to be busy and be around people and earn a paycheck and WORK! But it seems right now the only thing I have to work on is my patience. And my cover letter.

 I tried to blog several times last week about it, but everything I wrote ended up sounding so pathetic. I guess because I spent all of last week being pathetic. So instead of writing about every tear shed let’s just say last week involved a 48 hour period during which I didn’t leave the house, 1 entire caramel apple cake, and two nights crying myself to sleep while Josh rubbed my back.

Even though I lack a positive attitude at times, I do not lack an ability to discuss my feelings…at length. This came in handy last week, when I was finally so sick of myself that I decided to call someone for advice. I ended up calling lots of someones- my dad, my mother-in-law, Brittny, and my mom. And they all did their part to pick me back up.

Dad gave me rational advice, talking to me for almost an hour about where to look, who to speak with, and how to approach my search.

 My mother-in-law offered to take two days off of work to come down to Atlanta and take me shopping.

Brittny did what she does best- she listened.

And my mom said things only a mom can say, things about how I have a light that shines and how much she loves me, and then she gossiped with me about reality TV and celebrities until I felt much better.

And I did. I felt much better.

Now it’s back to the grind of applications and cover letters and references. But I’ve got my team on speed dial if I start to get down.

Day 135

People who constantly talk about their body, or what they ate, or how much they weigh really get on my nerves. So it kinda sucks I am one of these people. This means I constantly get on my own nerves. It’s like I hear myself saying these annoying things and I am telling myself to shut up but then I just keep going on and on about it anyway. Gag me.

So- I made a deal with myself a few days ago that I wouldn’t say anything negative about my body for seven days in a row. My intent was for the 7 days to turn in to 14 days, then 21, and so on and so on.

 I lasted about 48 hours.

What really put a kink in my plan was I had to be measured last week for my bridesmaid dress and I’m not really digging my numbers y’all. So I complained about it, made jokes about it, and googled what measurements constitute the “perfect hourglass figure”. Ugh.

Anyway, Sunday night Josh & I were laying on the floor (our new couch isn’t being delivered until next week- so we have to do everything on the floor. It sucks) and I was analyzing my measurements…again. We were trying to figure out if my ratio fit the hourglass ratio when Josh got really confused with the math. So I said:

“C’mon Josh, did you skip geometry in high school or something?”

To which he replied:

“I don’t know, did you skip P.E.?”

And then he looked at me with this startled look on his face. Because Josh NEVER makes fun of my body or my looks. So he just kind of waited for my reaction.

And I cracked up.

Maybe it was just the shock of him saying something mean to me. Or maybe it was the look on his face after. Or maybe it was just a funny comeback. But I died. And then I got even more tickled when Josh threw his arms around me and between laughs kept repeating “I’m so relieved you are laughing” and “I’m so happy you aren’t mad at me.”

It was adorable.

I’ve never felt more beautiful, rolling around on my fat ass in a fit of laughter and tears. Love him.

Day 134

Today I had to head back to Atlanta. I was sad my trip with Britt was over, but I was missing my man and ready to get home to him. Plus, we had a pool party to go to that evening! 

My trip was long and traffic-y and I was getting bored. As I drove though Aiken, SC (where I lived as a young girl) one of my favorite songs came on the radio, Miranda Lambert’s The House That Built Me. I love this song and I found it kind of ironic that it played as I drove through the place I used to live. But as I listened to the lyrics I realized I have no connection to that song. I don’t really have one place or one home that defines my life or my childhood or where I came from.

Instead, I think it is a whole patchwork of people that built me.

Like my mother and father and brother, who have never let one single day of my life pass by without making sure I know I am loved.

And my friends in Virginia, the old ones who helped the Metjes make a true home in that beautiful valley, and my news ones, who helped the Billigs make their first home together so fun & wonderful.

And my sweet family in Missouri- my grandparents, who continue to teach me what true faith, love, and commitment looks like. And my handsome Uncle Kirk. And my cousins who suddenly transformed from family members to true blue friends.

And my husband’s warm and welcoming family in Greenville- who love me simply because Josh does.

And the Yankees, and gangsters, and teamsters across the country who taught me how to drink in a bar til 2 AM and show up to work at 6. And that you really CAN’T judge a book by its cover.

And the list goes on and on. I spent the rest of my trip home thinking many of the same things I thought on my trip to Charleston, that I am truly blessed with so many people in my life it is overwhelming. It blows my mind that one girl gets to spend her life with so many amazing people. That in a single day I can hug my best friend’s neck, hear an “I love you sweetie” from my dad, kiss my husband, and make new friends at a party.

Life is good, y’all. SUPER good!

Day 131

Ahhhh, what is better than a week in Charleston with your bestie? Well, I guess it would be a week in Charleston with your bestie doing WEDDING STUFF!!! I can’t think of anything I’d rather do then walk down the beach talking about wedding dresses, décor, first dances. It makes me a very happy girl. Therefore, I didn’t expect many, or ANY, tears while in Charleston.

But they came anyway.

I should have expected it, but I didn’t. I have no idea why or how I thought I was gonna get through seeing Brittny in her wedding dress for the first time without crying. At first, there was no hint of a tear. I was all business- looking at the length and discussing the alterations she needed done and asking her what kind of jewelry she wanted. But then- I just stood back and looked at for a second.

Really looked at her.

And I was overcome with emotion. She couldn’t stand still in that dress. She just swayed back and forth and her dress was rustling and she looked stunning.  

Seeing the people who mean the most to you in a truly happy place is the BEST. THING. EVER.

The pretty dress doesn’t hurt either.