Days 46 & 47

Sorry for all the long posts lately! I’ve been chatty I guess. These next two will be brief:

Tuesday was NINETY minutes of Glee. And even though the whole “Barbara Streisand” dance scene was a bit odd, the Gaga Ending more than made up for things! I sat on the edge of the couch, crying  and singing along, and thought about what my shirt would say.

So this actually happens a lot and I’ve never used it as an actual “crying episode” because I’m not sure it counts, but the only tears shed on Wednesday arrived while I was writing my post about Monday. Re-hashing things that make me cry makes me cry! I'm hopeless!

Day 45

On Monday I ran by the grocery store to buy fresh shrimp and okra for a new recipe I recently discovered. I was excited to make this dish because 1) The picture looked fantastic 2) I was craving something light & summery on such a hot, sunshine-y day, and 3) Josh has been begging me to make him something with okra in it for months. So I was in a great mood when I unpacked the groceries and started preparing this tasty little treat. Josh always hangs out in the kitchen when I’m cooking, which is nice because he hands me things while catching me up on his day and always pours me a glass of wine before I even ask. I cherish this time together.

Except when I mess up a meal. Which is exactly what I did Monday evening. I’m not sure how I did it, but it looked gross. It looked so gross that I got nauseous and lost my appetite. In addition to my queasiness, I also felt very, very frustrated at my mistake. As I stood there, green-faced, over my bowl of slop, Josh stuck his handsome little face over my shoulder and said “Yeah, you definitely messed that up.” And with that, our kitchen shrunk by about half and I was about to explode and I needed him OUT right away. I pushed him and yelled at him and told him to leave. And when he wouldn’t I left him standing there with that awful mess and went to the bathroom and cried.  When I came back out he had cleaned everything up and was reaching in the freezer for chicken breasts. This is the thing about Josh, he not only ignores my little tantrums, but he also forgives me at the blink of an eye. Honestly. He just lets it go. He doesn’t act distant or give me a hard time or accuse me of being crazy. He just welcomes me back with a kiss, hands me my glass of wine, and picks up right where we left off.

So loving. So gracious. I have much to learn from that man.  

Days 43 & 44

I am left handed. So is my dad. When I was little my mom forgot this little fact when she decided to buy me my first ball & glove to teach me how to throw. She bought a right handed glove and I have forever been confused about which hand to use when throwing anything since. My poor mom has never lived down this mistake, but to her credit, I do not think I’m the type to be good at throwing things anyway. Left or right handed.

Anyway, Saturday night I made hamburgers for dinner (the real kind, no turkey meat this week. Delish!). After dinner, Josh suggested we take the leftover hamburger buns down to the lake and feed the new baby geese that have recently arrived. I liked this idea, but was also a little nervous; those Daddy Geese are mean! But I love to watch the babies up close, so I packed up the extra bread and off we went. I figured I could just pitch my bread underhanded while maintaining a safe distance. This didn’t work out so well- I’ll blame it on my mama, but for some reason I couldn’t release my bread in time and I kept throwing it behind me. Seriously, BEHIND ME!!! It went in the bushes, it went in the lake, and a few pieces even landed on the neighbor’s porch, but none seemed to go in the direction of the babies. Sad. Except, Josh thought this was extremely funny. He laughed. He laughed so hard that he cried. He laughed so hard that I had to join in until I was laughing. And then, I was crying too. We stood there, empty bread bags in hand, laughing through our tears. It was a perfect evening.

I woke up early Sunday morning in a great mood. I snuck out from under the covers, grabbed some running clothes, and went for a long, early morning jog. While running through that dew-covered grass on Easter Morning, I felt completely lighthearted and giddy and joyful. I decided to spend all of Sunday being thankful. I wasn’t going to complain or ask for anything or wish for something more. I have everything I need and I was going to celebrate my blessings all day long. I found out that spending the day in thanks is a good way to bring on the tears. These are just some of the many blessings I celebrated (and cried about) on Sunday:

1) My husband- the way he sleeps, his sticky-uppy hair when he wakes up, the way he always asks me to help him pick out his outfit, the way he loves my family and helps me clean up the house and kisses me all day, for no reason.

2) My mom- the way she always walks into my house, saying “Hello, hello!” so cheerfully and familiarly. For the chance to show her the church Josh & I have been attending and getting to sit so close to her that I could hear her clear, beautiful voice as she sang each hymn, for the way she loves my niece and nephew and hid Easter eggs around my house even though they are too old for that stuff now, and the way she dropped an entire pie dish on my sidewalk after dinner and laughed at herself while we all cleaned it up.

3) My health- which allows me to run and play and push my niece on the merry-go-round.

4) My couch- which is so old and used that I didn’t even get upset when one of the family dogs peed on it after dinner.

5) My brother and his family- which made the day lively and loud and filled with an Easter-ness that would have been lacking had they not been around.

6) For home-cooked food that was so yummy and rich and delicious not a word was spoken as we all dove in!

7) For God and his patience with me during the years I forgot about him and for welcoming me back with open arms and for blessing me with all the things mentioned above.
And so much more.

Day 42

On Thursday I got a certificate at our last Junior League Meeting: the “Provisional Class Dancing Queen” award.  I love that award. Seriously. I might be too proud of it. Friday morning I propped it up on my dresser mirror, sat back to admire it for a bit, and suddenly found myself in the midst of a mini-breakdown. I sat there on my bed, wrapped in a towel, and cried. Hard. Looking at that award made me face something I’ve been denying for a while now- I am leaving Charlottesville. Soon.

I don’t know where I’m going yet and I don’t know when, but by June 30^th I will no longer be a Charlottesville resident. This means I will have to say goodbye to the Harris Teeter where I learned to shop for two, goodbye to my favorite running trail by the lake, goodbye to neighbors and routines and mountain views. And most importantly, I’ll have to say goodbye to friends. When I go I will promise all of them I’ll keep in touch and visit and invite them to come stay with us, but the truth is some of these people will fade from our lives. It’s inevitable. And sad. I’ve been resisting this idea for quite awhile now, but I think it’s time to accept that my life is about to change in a big way. My friends here in Charlottesville are the first to know me as Keri Billig, not Keri Metje. They know me as a wife, who cooks and cleans and dances on table tops. They know ME as I am now. And I will forever remember this place and time in my life and all the special people that made these years so…happy, so truly happy.

One day soon I will take down that award, place it in a box, and move it to my new home. With it will come my friendships and memories and laughter. My time here has been well spent. I came, I loved, I danced. And I got the award to prove it.

Days 40 & 41

So, don’t tell Josh, but I am slowly winning the TV war in our house. We’re a long way from watching any of the real housewives together, but over the past few weeks I've hooked him on American Idol. He actually admitted last week that he likes to watch it. Plus, I think he is looking forward to The Voice next week. Score 1 for Keri!!!! So Wednesdays have become quite nice in the Billig house. Each week we work out, make a really yummy dinner, and then snuggle up for AI. Last night it was chicken tacos, Jacob Lusk, and tears. His song wasn’t that good and I’m not his biggest fan, but his story was so moving and his performance was really emotional. JB didn’t even make fun of me for crying! He’s really adjusting to me and my girl stuff.

It’s not even 9 AM on Thursday and the waterworks are on. Writing this blog is a very vulnerable thing. My head goes to this funny place and I imagine people reading this and rolling their eyes and thinking I’m a very self-involved person. Or a complete nutcase. Or a horrible writer. So when someone takes the time to send me an e-mail or a message about my blog, it means the world to me. And this morning I received several messages complimenting my blog. Those messages made me feel so…loved. And encouraged. And emotional. Thanks y’all! I really, REALLY appreciate the support!

Days 38 & 39

On Monday I watched an episode of Kourtney & Kim Take N.Y. that I hadn’t seen yet- the one where Scott buys an engagement ring, but doesn’t propose because all the sudden Kourtney started blabbing about how she doesn’t want to be married right now. The look on Scott’s face was so sad. I mean, I know the guy is a douche bag, but I still felt for him. And even though it’s lame, I started crying when he was talking about how much he loves Kourt and wants to be married. For some reason my heart went out to that guy. C’mon Kourtney! Even douche bags deserve love…

So, I thought I was going to have to blog something lame about Tuesday, but Josh pulled through at the last minute and gave me a much better crying story. It was 9:00 last night and I had struggled to stay awake for Glee (Wasn’t worth it. Even with Gwyneth there). I was ready for bed, but Josh wanted to watch TV a bit longer. So I kissed him good night, got comfy, and closed my eyes to sleep. About two minutes later I felt the whole bed shaking! I popped one eye open only to find Josh, with a very serious face on, playing air drums to the beat of a commercial! He had no idea what he was doing. I mean, he was really into it. So of course I died! I am laughing out loud right now just remembering the whole thing. You see, his musical display didn’t exactly surprise me; Josh has a very entertaining habit of doing these types of things often. There have been many times that I’ll look at Josh while driving and he has his shoulders moving to the beat. He is fond of the head nod and he also has this weird hand gesture he makes sometimes. But the best part is his face. He looks so…intense. And unaware. He honestly doesn't realize he is doing these things. It’s just too funny. So last night I immediately burst out laughing and didn’t stop.  Tears rolled down my cheeks and Josh laughed along with me. I just couldn’t stop myself. I had to get tissues and take deep breaths until finally I re-kissed Josh goodnight, got comfy again, and closed my eyes. But then I saw the whole scene again in my mind and started the entire laughing/crying fit all over again. What a wonderful way to fall asleep!!! I love that man!  

Days 34, 35, 36 & 37

Well it had to happen y’all. It was only a matter of time before I cried in class, in front of students. One habit of mine I haven’t yet discussed is my tendency to cry about impending events. Thursday I revealed to my students that I only have THREE weeks of student teaching! I was trying to warn my students that I would most definitely cry when it came time for me to say goodbye and instead I took it one step further and gave them a preview! It wasn’t just watery eyes either, I had to take my glasses off and wipe my eyes and take deep breaths. It makes me panic a little now just thinking about it. I am NOT ready to leave these kids. They’ve changed me. I entered that classroom a student myself, but I’ll leave a teacher. And I owe it all to my amazing 10^th grade English students. I’ve fallen in love with every single one of them. More tears to follow- fo sho!

This also had to happen at one point or another- no crying. When I say I cry every day, I pretty much mean it. But still, I have days where there just isn’t time! Friday was a wonderful day at work and I came straight home to get ready for Charlottesville’s first Fridays After Five of the season. We went with a big group of friends and had a great, Spring-y day! No tears for this girl. I’m sure my tear ducts enjoyed the day off.

On Saturday Josh hurt my feelings and made me cry. I was trying to be nice while he sat on the couch for SEVEN hours applying to jobs (seriously, seven hours) by offering to make him a grilled cheese sandwich. He didn’t ask for one, I just offered, which I felt was very wife-ish and nice of me. He got up to use the restroom and when he came out he saw me putting sliced cheese on his sandwich (he likes the shredded cheese better) (I know this, but hate using the shredded cheese because it makes a mess). When he saw me using sliced cheese he got really upset and told me he wasn’t going to eat my sandwich anymore. I slammed down the spatula, told him he could make his own lunch, and went into the bedroom and cried. It didn’t last long because he immediately came in and apologized and I was over it in time to flip his grilled cheese without burning it at all.

I spent all of Sunday in the sun with friends and my husband and no cell phone. It was a happy, carefree day. My tears for Sunday were also happy. One of my oldest friends, Nadia, got engaged a few weeks ago and she (finally) posted the video of her bf proposing on facebook for all to see. I cried for lots of reasons- because 1) when people get engaged, that’s what I do, cry. 2) It is always an exciting and happy moment to see people you care about excited and happy. And 3) it made me think of how long I’ve known her and all the memories and connections we have. Those memories include elementary school secrets, lots of card games, and one scary and embarrassing bout of permed bangs. Yes, I said permed bangs.

Days 32 & 33

I finally got to watch the Top Chef: All Stars finale on Tuesday. I love Richard Blais and I already knew he won, but I still cried when I saw him crying. He deserved it! Plus, he has a brand new little baby at home, so it makes the win that much sweeter for him and his family. Go Blaze!!!

Wednesday I had a momentary lapse in patience with Josh. I hate even typing about this because I sound so mean and selfish, but I couldn’t help it. You see, Josh is currently searching for jobs and this search has consumed our lives. It’s all Josh thinks about. Therefore, it’s all we talk about. We talk about potential companies, potential contacts, potential positions, potential everything. We type e-mails to Citadel and MUSC alumni. We proofread cover letters. We debate over whether Josh should delete or keep a certain word in his resume. I know this is all very important; it's my husband’s career and both our futures we are working on, but it is also exhausting. So today, when I was sitting at the kitchen table asking Josh if he wanted to go to a birthday party on Sunday and instead of answering me he responded with some comment about the job search, I just put my face in my hands and cried. Don’t get me wrong, I am 100% behind Josh as he navigates this stressful time in his career. And I pray all the time that God sends Josh in the direction he is meant to go and that he gives us the strength to trust in his plan, but sometimes I just want to FORGET about it. The unknown is stressful y’all! And today it got the best of me.

If you are the praying kind, send one up for Josh. We need all the help we can get!

Day 29, 30, & 31

It was cold and dreary all day Saturday, which was appropriate since I was at a funeral for my friend’s brother. The day brought chills and tears, but also warmth as I laughed and cried and hugged many familiar and special friends. Yes, I said LAUGHED and cried. Here is the thing about funerals: the tears that fall as we say our goodbyes are always mixed with laughter. Always. I’ve never been to a funeral without laughing, for these are times of mourning AND celebration. I think love & laughter make for a beautiful send off. 

Sunday & Monday were nothing exciting. I’m afraid this blog is going to become an INSERT THE SHOW THAT MADE ME CRY TODAY HERE blog.
 Sunday- it was the zillionth re-airing of Khloe & Lamar’s wedding. I’m such a sucker.
Monday- it was Bethanny’s trip to Montreal with Jason. Again, SUCKER!

Day 28

Okay, I wasn’t gonna do it. I swear! I had no plans to watch Pregnant in Heels. But on Friday I had the TV on its’ standard channel, Bravo, while doing chores around the house. I was stuck in the kitchen rubbing down a raw chicken when Pregnant in Heels came on. I had no other choice than to watch- there was absolutely nothing I could do about it with my hands stuffed down a chicken neck. And now I’m hooked. I mean you give me a baby bump and I’ll watch all day. Give me a baby bump covered in Gucci and attitude- I’m DONE! Those women are too entertaining. But it was cute little Rosie Pope that caught me totally off guard when, in a very candid moment, she talked about her problems conceiving and experiences with IVF. I think I’ve discussed my sensitivity to anything dealing with a woman’s problem conceiving, so Rosie really got me going. Now I have to add Pregnant in Heels to my very long list of TV obsessions, things Josh hates, and things that make me cry. Sheesh!

Days 26 & 27

I’m on Spring Break right now and had a marathon couch session on Wednesday. I cried at like every show I watched. I mean, I can’t even list them all right now and it wouldn’t be very interesting anyway. It was just one of those days.

Thursday I got in a fight with my husband. About his face. At the horse race over the weekend he got a very bad sunburn on his face. The blistery, oozy, gross kind. I kept suggesting all these things to make it better, but for some reason Josh NEVER wants to take my advice. And I take it personally. I can’t even remember what I suggested, but he said no thanks and I got mad. A little while later (when I had supposedly dropped the whole 'you never listen to me' issue) I asked him an unrelated question, which he answered, just not in a manner that I quite understood (it was a sports questions). So I got really mad and snapped at him. He looked over at me, hurt, and said “Why did you have to yell at me? I would never talk to you like that.” And he’s right, he wouldn’t. I felt so bad. So as soon as I opened my mouth to apologize, I started crying. People say being married is hard. I don’t agree, but being NICE to the person you are married to is sometimes a challenge. Josh has it down pat. I need more practice.

Day 25

In this era of reality shows I have kind of cheated on my original reality series lately- TLC’s A Baby Story. I haven’t watched it in forever. In college it was on alllll the time. I always loved watching it, but on a superficial level. It was pure entertainment for me. The idea of actually becoming a mom and having a baby wasn’t really a consideration. Usually while watching I tried to figure out how in the world a woman could push out a baby in a bathtub while also trying to figure out if I should make an entire box of macaroni and cheese for dinner or an entire box of rice-a-roni for dinner.  Like I said, the idea of actual motherhood was far, far away.

But not now. Yesterday I watched A Baby Story for the first time in forever and I cried and cried. I mean motherhood isn’t imminent for me, but it’s definitely closer. I know WHO I am going to have a baby with now. I have a pretty good idea of WHAT my baby is going to look like (pug nose, round cheeks, dry skin, dark hair). And I (we) have so many hopes and dreams and fears for this little kid. So I sit there and watch these strangers bring a baby into the world and I can’t help but think of my future with Josh- as parents. Right now I am completely obsessed with being married and I am so happy with our life. We’re learning to be husband and wife and I’m glad we have this time together. But one day we’ll make our own baby story and I know it will be beautiful and wonderful and life changing.

 For now, I’m happy sitting on the couch watching someone else’s story. And crying, of course!

Day 24

This should have made me cry:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Sl1Cp9PVZM&feature=related

But this is what actually made me cry today:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G81_vw3Ktj4

Day 23

Sunday was a bummer for two reasons 1) the weekend was over, wah. And 2) we had to drive six hours home. Hung over. But neither of those things made me cry; it was leaving Josh’s friends that brought on the tears. I’ve discovered all kinds of wonderful surprises about marriage that no one prepared me for. One of those surprises is how much I care for ANYONE who cares for Josh. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “what’s yours is mine.” Josh’s friendships mean so much to him, but they’ve come to mean so much to me as well. This weekend we stayed with Josh’s friend Clem. Josh met Clem the summer before they started the Citadel and they've been close ever since. I love seeing Josh with his Citadel buddies. The way they roughhouse, reminisce, and laugh, it’s sweet. And even though there is NO WAY those boys love Josh more than I do, they have loved him longer. And for that, I hold a special place in my heart for friends like Clem. Time with them is so precious and special that I hate to see it end. I didn’t want to get in that car and head home today. I couldn’t help but cry. I’m just happy I held it together until we were driving away.

Days 20, 21, & 22

Thursday and Friday were pretty standard days- Thursday I cried watching the new show Mobbed. I doubt I’ll actually watch that show again, but this episode included lots of my favorite things- dancing, singing, and a wedding. Friday morning I watched an early morning episode of Giuliana and Bill. Giuliana was crying about her pregnancy challenges (so of course I cried for her) and Bill said something so sweet and comforting to his wife, I want to remember this forever: “In the end it will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” Love it!

Saturday I didn’t really cry. I was too busy having FUN! Josh and I went down to Camden for Carolina Cup and it was a BLAST. We got to see old friends and get dressed up and day drink. So. Much. Fun. Of course, after a full day of drinking and laughing (and some late night dancing) I did get just a tad emotional. Days like Saturday are what life is all about! I just get overwhelmed with happiness sometimes!